All I could feel was the drowning intensity of emptiness;
all consuming in the waves of nothingness
This was not me or mine.
The pain echoed through to every muscle and every cell within over and over again I heard 'you are nothing', 'you are nothing to me'
All I could feel were the tears that flowed down my cheeks and
refused to stop; for hours and hours I felt stuck in this abyss of nothingness,
emptiness, a void that was not of my own making.
My body fought against the weight through nausea, vomiting and excruciating headaches;
for hours and hours this lamented, trapped within and unable to crawl my way out.
I wondered how I became so trapped so quickly and then I remembered...
The openness of trust in my heart through the delusion of kindness
was quickly and quietly broken to a million pieces in the light of truth.
Having cared for the person was a mistake on my part and now one I paid for.
His care for me was non-existent beyond the mutual benefit of an agreed arrangement.
In this moment where I needed the kindness of a friend that had care, it was nowhere to be found
and all that was there was this void of truth, that I was and am nothing to him.
I serve a purpose and any importance diminishes once this second passes.
My heart breaks a thousand times in the realisation, in the disappointment and
the crushing feeling of my own naive stupidity.
A connection lost in the arrogant ego of the vacuum I was now trapped within.
Trust used to exploit my energy that now had become his.
Feeling everything he thought of me to the very core echoed in my mind, my ears and
through to the base of all I thought our friendship was, which clearly is not.
A fool absorbed in the void of a reality I had been fighting and could no longer avoid, or hide from.
Absorbed in the darkness that all is as it seems and
that the sun can no longer shine.
Sadness embraces me on my journey out of this abyss
for the loss will still take time to recover from.
The hurt that leaves tears on my heart of a delusion I believed was real.
A joke at my expense as I became absorbed in his emptiness and his disdain for me.
I am not fragile or vulnerable, I simply have a heart where others have none.