There is a chill that sets into my bones
It whispers in the night, even when it is warm
reminding me that not all is as it seems.
Underneath the ebbing hope is an undercurrent,
one that has no doubt,
one that does not stutter in its intentions,
reminding, refusing to relent
from how I truly feel... sad.
The sunny day returns however,
the echo of betrayal,
the put downs of incompetence,
unfairly placed via the humiliation
where I am cornered and unable to reply.
Should this not be enough,
the isolation, the exclusion from that which is mine and the overdue credit,
the underwhelming acknowledgment
that never comes for the efforts made in vain - again,
somehow cause the anger in the pit of my stomach to retaliate,
knowing the vindication will only be temporary and short lived.
I want to cry, I want to scream at such injustice
as well as my insistent stupidity, naivety to be fooled into believing
that this time it would be different,
it would be value based,
it would be something it never has,
however, old habits die hard as do the rhythms of egotistical, insecure subordinates
fuelled by envy and jealousy for work they were never prepared to undertake
has now become a curse and
placed a target to be undermined, disrespected and fighting alone.
It would be nice to be wrong;
it would be nice to be noticed for the hundreds of hours in effort, loyalty and dedication;
the knowledge I have worked so very hard to attain.
not used to minimise me;
Yes, anger is ever present however, does little more than that.
Choices may exist, however, with my back against the wall
the depth of sadness and a torture I cannot escape, just yet;
screams at me, a little louder each day.
I cannot get off just yet,
even though a part of me desperately wants to run
but, there is no benefit to this,
and the answers, the resolutions,
the way out of the overbearing stress
is yet to be realised.
So, in the limbo of darkness I sit,
unable to move, unable to smile beyond the lips I purse in hurt
I am so lost within this world,
within this state,
even if I find my way out,
will I know where to go?