Just this Once
On a sunny day, when all is bright and beautiful, the warmth of sun tingles the skin and the soft, breeze sends the sweet scent of autumn through the air. It is quiet and yet, the world continues in its daily routines, the birds chirping and the people all around carry on their day; Yet, in all of this perfection, in all of this positivity and sunlight in the quiet of the corners of the world, the corners of a park and in the corners of my mind, is the darkness that is waiting to be triggered;
to tear away the little light that shines through on any given day,
to remind me of a past from long ago,
that somehow I can never seem to escape from the torment,
the unrelenting humiliation of the naive stupidity to trust,
to believe and to love always wrong, always to end in hurt.
So when love does appear in its simplest form,
hinting at its possibility,
suggesting of more, providing elements of hope,
I run to it and then stop.
Am I still the fool from long ago hoping, wishing for the improbable?
Am I still the child that wants to be loved by one that can actually see her?
Or am I the fool being led blindly into the darkness,
to the pit of no return for my final journey and once there,
to be there until the end of eternity?
The dismal questions play through my mind from trigger to trigger,
unbelieving and yet believing a cruel game when the past was clearly not enough to torture.
It is easy to watch others play this game,
often winning in one form or another;
it is however, not a game when it becomes a decision about staying or going,
for this life or the next; and in this morbid reality,
knowing what the answer is before it has finished forming.
But perhaps, it is possible,
just this once,
that love can save me from the diminishing existence I call life;
Maybe, just this once...